I was giving a speech and I was able to look up from my note cards for the first time in my speaking career. I was so impressed with myself, but as I was scanning the crowd I saw one girl looking at me with disgust in her face. I was explaining a very depressing story and my mind was on power mode, so I just assumed she was upset about the story. The face didn't go away throughout the speech, so I stopped looking in her direction and didn't take it to heart. It wasn't till I got back to my seat that I finally realized the reason for the face. She was mad about the critique I had given her own speech the week before.
I wasn't trying to be mean, or picky, but she must have been really offended by what I wrote on her speech critique. I couldn't find much wrong with her speech, but I've been taught in high school to give some form of constructive criticism and not just praise people on what the they did well. Teachers told me people don't grow from only praise, but maybe they were wrong. I've always learned the most from what people have said I did wrong then what they said I did right. Is this one of those cases like the quote above. Was I just saying something mean, but expecting her to not get offended because it was just a critique? Should I just forget about the bad and sugar coat the good? I'm not saying she had to listen to my criticism, but I was just trying to tell her what I thought she could work on for the next two speeches in class. I only said she did one thing wrong, and I told her everything else was perfect. I just don't think I deserved the stink eye for giving my opinion. I'm not mad at the people who told me I seemed nervous during my speech, or said I didn't make enough eye contact. I also don't get mad when people give me their opinions on how to improve my writing. I know I'm not perfect and I take classes to improve my skills. Maybe some people just don't know how to take in some criticism and ignore the rest.
I'm so confused, so I'll ask you. Can constructive criticism ever be taken without offense? Was I justified in pinpointing something she did wrong, or would doing that just hurt her feelings? I once had a girl tell me that a drawing I did of myself looked nothing like me, but not to be offended. I was offended of course, and I don't ever want to make someone feel the way that girl made me feel. I know communication is powerful in all forms, so please help me learn how to use it in a helpful, non-offense way.
Some are unable to take any criticism - constructive or not - without being hurt and/or offended.
ReplyDeleteFor me personally it is all about the wording - If something is worded in an of putting manner then I tend to take great offense and become extremely standoffish.
However by what you have wrote it seems that you have incorporated good with the bad and attempted to 'soften' the blow of the negative by including it with a lot of positive. Something gives me a feeling that even if you had wrote all positive things this girl would have had a problem because you didn't say more than enough good things about her speech.
I agree with what Tonya said: some people just don't know how to take criticism. They either are super self-conscious or too full of pride to take anything from anyone. I think there are also lines though when it comes to giving constructive criticism: the first one being that it is coming from a caring place, obviously if you just go up to someone and criticize them because you want to put your opinion out there, thats unnecessary (and not literally YOU, just people in general!) two, I think it is good when you are giving peer feedback to give strengths and weaknesses. If people can't take that without getting upset, that's not your fault, especially if it is assigned. That's part of growing up and being apart of college. They'll get used to it. I'm surprised she was so blatently upset about it, which shows me a little more how immature she seems to be. I don't think you did anything wrong.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, you did the right thing. Criticism is rarely fun to receive, but it is something that needs to stick with you, or you'll keep on making the same mistake. If you were too nice, she wouldn't have even known that there was anything wrong. Just think of it this way, if she was that mad at you for telling her what she did wrong, then she definitely won't forget her mistake... or you. It was still the right thing to do though! I agree with Tonya that the best way to critique somebody is with a well thought-out suggestion. Just keep it positive and people won't have any reason to be mad at you.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar experience when I took my speech class. Our instructor "required" us to turn in real feedback to everyone because no speech is perfect, but many people neglected to do this. They were afraid of giving constructive criticism so they just wrote "Good job" and left it at that. I always took the time to give actual feedback.
ReplyDeleteOne person wrote me a nasty response after one of my speeches because I took the time to give her (positive) feedback. She also took the feedback as offensive, even if it was far from it. I gave people positive feedback and constructive criticism, just like you did. I like it when people give me feedback to improve so I always did the same.
Don't take it personally by any means. You're helping people by telling them how they can improve! In real life, people should strive to make themselves better in every aspect of life. No one can be perfect but that doesn't mean you shouldn't make the effort to progress forward.
People need to smile and accept that they're not perfect. You're just trying to help! Keep up the good work, okay?
Constructive criticism is a needed part of learning. If we can do everything perfect, why are we in school to learn new things?
ReplyDeleteI say forget about the stink eye, and be prepared for her to say something constructive back.
Sometimes it not so much what you say as how you say it. Think about what you said and try to put a positive spin on it instead of 'that was wrong.' Good for you for offering a critique in lieu of just saying something like 'well done.' That person will get to a point in her life where she can accept a critique as just that and not a commentary on her life.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help but laugh when you said the reason why she was giving you a dirty look was because of a critique you gave her. I think some people just cannot take criticism and that is too bad for them. That is the only way we learn! Why else would we get graded on everything in school? Its a way for the teacher to "critique" our work with a letter grading system. What is even worse is that she was holding a grudge against you because of it! How did she even know it was you that gave her the critique? Shouldn't it stay anonymous. You probably didn't say anything that was mean or rude, she maybe is just offended that you said those things because she thought her work was perfect. Some people are just like that.
ReplyDeleteP.S. It would be funny is she read this blog and all the post too. She would probably just get offended tho! haha
If she gives you any more scuff, just remember to take all her words and let them roll right off of you. Like water off a duck's back :)
I definitely know what you mean. I am a fan of constructive criticism, because I believe that it helps people to improve. After all, who doesn't want to know what they can do better?
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do agree that what really matters is how that criticism is presented. It is always necessary to keep in mind how sensitive that person is, and how your message could potentially be conveyed. I have learned to always imagine that the person receiving the message would interpret it in the worst way possible, so, just to be safe, I make it a point to be careful about the words I select and make sure that it can not be taken in the wrong way.
Then again, you also have to keep in mind that sometimes people are just very sensitive and defensive, and it's not necessarily your fault if they misinterpret what you said. You gave them your opinion, and it's up to them to do what they want with the information.
I'm sure you didn't do anything wrong, unless you were hiding the fact that you said something mean... which I doubt! :)
I think constructive critisism is one of my favorite things actually. I feel that everyone gets offended way too easily and therefore people walk on eggshells sometimes to make sure that they do nothing to insult the other person. It makes me really happy when people actually say what they are thinking in a way that isnt cruel or belittling, ie constructive critisism. I feel that we could all use a little more constructive criticism in our lives and I for one welcome it.
ReplyDelete